She left him
by dreamland4
Summary: Guinevere reached her breaking point and left him, what happens when she returns? A little bit of angst. I own nothing. Please review


**Comments: This is a little dark and needy! Sorry – Reviews always welcome**

She woke up screaming again covered in sweat, her body shaking...she placed her hands over her face and cried.

She had never suffered from nightmares before, but since the dragon's attack they haunted her ever dream, the screaming, the burning and that was just from this attack. The truth is, she had reached her breaking point...the last few years had finally caught up with her, her father's death, Morgana leaving, the kidnapping, the beasts...the blood and the death consumed her every thought and then there was Arthur, her impossible love.

The thought of leaving came to her suddenly and once it entered her mind the need to leave grew stronger by each day. She had always been good at hiding her feelings, working through them and never dealing with them and it had worked for her, up until now. But now they bubbled to the surface and entered her dreams...she needed to be able to breathe again, to sort through the past in order to decide what she needed for her future.

She spent her life doing what was best for others, always putting herself second but now, she needed to know what she wanted, the future she needed for herself. She worried about Arthur, about him being safe...but he would be ok, in fact her absence may help him to decide about the realities of his future.

She took one final look around her house and left.

Gwen had decided to go and see her childhood friend Anna, she had married well and lived a few days ride from here. She had always meant to go and visit her and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to sort through her feelings and banish the nightmares.

* * *

Merlin read the final words of her letter and ran towards Arthur.

**Merlin,**

**My leaving may come as a surprise to you and to an extent it has to me. The truth is, I don't know who I am anymore, the person I see in the mirror is no longer the carefree girl you first met all those years ago. The past consumes my every thought and the future two uncertain to guide me forward. I need time to collect my thoughts and decide on the future I need.**

**Take care of him Merlin, for his future holds the happiness of so many and tell him thank you...for everything.**

**Merlin, you have become my dearest friend and I will not forget you.**

**All my love always,**

**Guinevere xx**

Merlin watched as Arthur dropped the note to the floor "When did she leave?"

"I don't know Gauis just gave it to me"

Arthur stood up and went straight to Gauis.

As Guinevere rode towards her friends, deep in thought...she had no idea, the sadness her departure had caused Arthur. The fact he had threatened Gauis for any information he may hold of her whereabouts, or that he had ridden off looking for her and when he finally returned empty handed, Merlin watched as he kicked his table over smashing everything on the floor and shouting out in pain, the pain of loss.

She arrived at Anna's house late into the night, her friend had been very pleased to see her and welcomed her into her home.

Guinevere spent weeks talking to Anna about all that had passed and then the weeks turned into months...she had found some happiness there with her friend and her children. Anna had helped her deal with many things, including the loss of her father and her dreams were no longer filled with monsters but were filled with thoughts of Arthur. Her absence for him made her realise how deep her feelings ran and the realisation that if/when he found his perfect queen, someone much more suitable for him...how much it would hurt. That is why she could not return, the pain of seeing him in the arms of another would be impossible for her to bare.

"Go to him Gwen" she said as they walked around the garden.

"And what Anna, look at him from the distance...stealing kisses when we can, or seeing him in the arms of a princess....what is the point?" tears threatened to fall again.

"The point is that you love him Gwen, the kind of love that is rare to find...so what if it is impossible"

"I can't" the truth is, she was scared that he would have moved on...that he would have finally realised what she had said to him and found his real queen.

"GWEN I have never seen you back away from any challenge, why start now" Gwen smiled, as a child she used to love a challenge, but that is when she didn't mind losing.

"What happens if he does not want me?...what happens if he has moved on?" she fiddled with her hands.

"If he cares half the amount that you do, then he would not be able to move on...Gwen he will want you" she took hold of her hand.

"You don't know that"

"No...but neither do you and sitting round here thinking about what may be, will not help. Go Gwen, go back and see him, our door is always open for you if you need to return" She hugged her friend.

A few weeks later, she prepared for her departure her stomach jumped with nerves. She looked in the mirror she had changed, her hair now reaching further down her back and her clothes, they were no longer that of a servant but something different. Anna had forced her to change her attire, not liking the simple feel of her old clothes, but replacing it with softer and more luxurious materials.

But today she wore leather boots, brown leather trousers and a white shirt with a fur wrap around her shoulders.

She said goodbyes to Anna and her family...she would miss them. They had become a family to her the last few months and she had not realised how much she missed that.

She reflected on the journey how much she had changed over the last few months...she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, she stood taller and breathed easily. The only thing that had not changed but had grown stronger was her love for Arthur and as she rode closer to Camelot her heart became heavy, she feared the reception she would get at her return.

-------------

Merlin watched as Arthur trained...the absence of Gwen had been hard on him. The Prince had become consumed in his thoughts, hardly communicating with anyone unless absolutely necessary and he did not bother in personal appearance much anymore. His relationship with his father had also become strained, he rarely ate with him or saw him at all. Uther put it down to the dragon attack and the death of his knights, but Merlin knew that he blamed his father for her absence, that his narrow mindedness had not allowed him to marry her and make her happy.

Arthur had become an echo of his former self and the only slight flicker of light that Merlin could see in his eyes, was when he saw Gwen dance across his mind and then it would replace again with sadness.

When Merlin first saw her, he thought he was dreaming, it was only when she turned and talked to an older lady and laughed that he knew it was her.

He turned between her and the approaching Arthur, he was preparing for his afternoon walk. Since her disappearance, he had taken to walking for hours on his own and not coming back until sun set.

As he walked nearer, Merlin's face turned to a smile and his head gestured to her direction. Arthur followed the sign and there she was...he stopped his knees feeling weak.

He watched as she walked into her house, the house..he had spent many nights sitting in hoping for her return.

Merlin saw as the prince's shocked look turned into determination and he walked across the town and straight into her home.

She just about got chance to place her bags down, when she felt a large pair of hands pull her round and she was in the arms of Arthur. He held her so tight, she thought she may not be able to breath...but she did not mind, it felt so good to be in his arms.

His eyes awash with tears, he sniffed her hair and his body started shaking the relief of having her back in his arms and safe consuming him.

Merlin closed the door to allow them some privacy.

Guinevere's tears falling on his shoulders as he held her tight. He finally pulled back to look at her, his hands taking her cheek a little too hard. She looked at him, he looked a mess his face now covered in a beard, his hair longer, his nails dirty...his eyes broke her heart they were full of tears.

He leaned down and kissed her hungrily, pushing her up against the wall, he was angry and his lips were telling her that. She did not back down, she matched his passion...he finally pulled away from her, his hands remaining in her hair and his other pinning her against the wall.

"I am sorry" she spoke first, his eyes closing at her words.

"SIX months!" his voice broke as if he had not spoken for that long. The absence of her had hit him hard, his love for her grew stronger and the emptiness in his heart consumed him. He realised that he needed her, he may not have seen her all the time, but in such a short time she had become a necessity like the air that he breathed. He now knew that he needed to be by her side until his final breath.

"I am so sorry" She had not realised her absence would affect him this much.

"SIX MONTHS Guinevere!" the pain of saying her name causing him to punch a hole in her wall.

He moved away from her, worried how much his anger was boiling over "Where you _with him?_" he spat the words out. His imagination had played many scenes of her whereabouts from death to in the arms of Lancelot, he felt sick as the words left his mouth.

She knew who he was talking about "NO of course not"

"Is there anybody else?" his fists clenched, he needed to know.

"No" she looked down, he thought she had left to be with another man.

He let out a breath he had not realised he was holding.

"You are staying" it was an order not a question.

"Yes" he stopped pacing now.

She had never seen him this angry, she was not afraid only sorry. She walked up to him, his fists no longer clenched and his eyes confused, she stood on her toes and kissed his lips, 'I am so sorry' she kept repeating whilst kissing his lips.

He kissed her again and picked her up carrying her to her bed... his mouth kissed hers as if she was quenching his thirst.

He lifted up from her "You will never leave me again you understand ME?"

"I promise" the truth is she didn't think she could.

He searched her eyes for any trace of a lie and then his body relaxed.

He couldn't ask her why she left, he didn't want to hear it tonight. He needed her and he had no plan on leaving her on her own again.

When he finally allowed her to be free from his grip, she stood up and lit her candles and her fire as the night drew in, he stood up and watched her every move.

She looked at the Prince standing by her fire, she had missed his face, missed those eyes...her absence all though necessary for her, had hurt him and for that she felt terrible. She walked over to him and placed her hand on his chest a small lump was felt there, a wound unseen by her she thought. She carefully lifted his tunic, her breath temporarily stopping; she had forgotten how perfect Arthur was. Her shaking hand reached out and touched his skin tracing the new scars on his chest from unknown battles. She placed kisses along each of his scars as if apologising for not being there for each one, he closed his eyes as if dreaming.

His body felt alive for the first time in too long, as her lips trailed along his new scars. "Guinevere...please I have not got the strength to stay honourable tonight, stop" his hands placed carefully on her shoulders, she blushed.

She thought about whether she wanted him to remain honourable or whether she wanted to keep kissing him, to remove all blocks between them. But tonight was for apologies not for that!

He placed his tunic back on, she reached out and touched his beard, it felt soft between her fingers, as she stroked his face his eyes started to close. The dark circles under his eyes depicted the sleepless nights he had.

She took his hand and led him to her bed, he lay down but as she went to walk away he grabbed her hand, not allowing it. "I just need to put the candles out!" he eyed her up and let go.

He had become fearful that she might leave again, that this moment was a dream and when he woke she would be gone again and he would be alone...fulfilling a destiny that without her he had no taste for.

She put out the candles his eyes following her, they needed to talk but not tonight. Tomorrow when he was rested.

She took her boots off and his and lay on her small bed, as soon as she did her rolled her over so she was trapped between the wall and him and his heavy arm and leg pinned her down, his hand gripping hers, so if she moved slightly he would wake.

She lay there for hours, listening to his breathing...she had been surprised at his reception; she had expected him to have moved on, or to at least be pleased to see her. Not like this, he looked like she felt after her father died, the kind of loss that tears your soul apart and leaves you feeling empty. He never normally spoke of his feelings, maybe a few words like 'I have never loved another' but he had never actually declared undying love for her. But seeing him, she realised how cheap words are, his love for her was written in his eyes and in his kisses. She had hurt him more than any one should and she vowed to never leave his side again, no matter what the future holds.


End file.
